(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Sorry not sorry.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.