Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
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*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
A choir of Spring onions
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole