A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
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Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.