mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
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Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking