Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
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“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you