Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.