HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Incredible customer service.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Sing it!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!