If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
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Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn鈥檛 get murdered. Take that, Mom.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It鈥檚 not a doughnut.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Alicia Keys: 馃幎 I keep on fallin’ 馃幍
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
My friend Luke didn鈥檛 realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Love it! 馃憤馃槀
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they鈥檙e expensive鈥搚ou want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren鈥檛 and pretending not to be angry when you are.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct