I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed