I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
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I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.