The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
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Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Best spoiler warning ever
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.