When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
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I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Festive toon…
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.