Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
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At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.