Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
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interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks