Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
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Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I think I’m having a stroke
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you