*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Breaking news:
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.