Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I never needed anything more in my life
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?