Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid