When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don鈥檛 own a tank i only have this car
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we鈥檙e just on one of God鈥檚 refrigerator magnets.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
馃懡Hey aliens, Since you鈥檙e in the area can you please come get me? I鈥檝e got Coca-Cola and chicken!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.