called in thicc to work this morning
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My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If snakes were wide
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.