You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Always…
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow