Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
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Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?