Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.