sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
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Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
*aggressively waits in line*
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.