[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
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I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Sheep
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit