8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.