Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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Money is the root of all wealth
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long