My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
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I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
🍛
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect