I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.