If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Breaking news:
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.