Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
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My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.