Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
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As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care