*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
You Might Also Like
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I hate when that happens.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.