Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Imagine having a party on purpose.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road