If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
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90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I hope this email finds you in a well
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
What do you hear?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi