COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery