Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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The internet is magic sometimes.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.