The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
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Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT