Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.