Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.