*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I only treason on days ending in y
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.