Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
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Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
6. me as a lawyer
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.