waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
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I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
This did not end as expected.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer