2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is