*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
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My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
men are simple creatures
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Tuesday
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.