A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Don’t forget to tip your server
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
☺️
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.