ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
me
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.