I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
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My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Support your local cemetery
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s