HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
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It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
we all know this pain all too well
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.