This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
🤣✨#caturday
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.